A New Chapter...
21st June 2018
Three years on since I set up Cub Bag Ltd, which now trades as Bax & Bay, I have decided to stop selling bags, clothes and accessories and focus on giving writing a go, while also spending some, way overdue time, focusing on being in the moment and giving the kids a lot more of my attention.
I won't pretend that money isn't an issue and that I can just float around being a writer. I will need to find a job but with the Scottish school summer holidays just around the corner (4 more days of school to go!!!!) and there being no possibility of finding local childcare the job hunting will have to wait until August.
It's going to be a penny-pinching summer but one which I want to savour as it's the last summer before both boys are in primary school.
While I am in the way of making big changes I have also decided to ditch my iphone for good. I did this last summer and it was glorious not to be attached to a digital world and just to be in the moment. To watch the days go by without intermittedly limiting my outlook to a small screen full of images of others doing exciting things and generally being way cooler than I could ever be!
Now that I won't be making products (other than the books) I don't feel the need or the desire to be on Instagram nearly so much. I will miss the lovely people I have got to know over the pixels and who I am so grateful to for supporting my business and my sanity on days when I felt incredibly low.
I am sure I will drift back to promote my writing, whether that is a bit of blogging, children's books or perhaps a longer book, maybe even a novel! but my posts will be more personal and no longer about trying to sell clothes etc.
The fact that it is the Summer Solstice and my 7th wedding anniversary on this day of huge change feels right. It feels like I am amidst a powerful shift and I am totally open to what the future has to bring. I feel really positive about the future and I am definitely moving on from the past three years, in particular, far wiser and stronger than ever before. It's been a difficult couple of years and I think perhaps I should have made this decision a long time ago. I really feel I have lost a lot of time with kids, even though I have been around, I am not sure how present I have been while worrying about sales, about fucking algorithms and worry about why people unfollow or unlike your page when you post pictures of yourself and your kids. I mean WTF. None of it matters.
So with my head in a good place, and with one children's book launched (the reviews have been ace, especially from the ones who really matter - the kids!) I guess I need to embrace these good vibes and start re-affirming to myself that I want to be.. that I AM a writer.
I don't know where I am going with this journey (or maybe I know exactly where I am going and haven't admitted it to myself yet) but one thing is for sure - if I AM a writer, I need to write!
Today I am sitting at the pool watching the boys have their swimming lesson and as I sit high above in the viewing area and look down on them sitting on the edge of the pool I wonder when did they get so big? At 5 and 8 there isn't much difference in their size and they look so grown up already. What have I missed in the years I have been 'busy' trying to be a 'mumpreneur' or whatever term you want to use. Really I have just been trying to bring some cash in so we can give them everything they need.
Many times I have felt like I am failing but I didn't always feel like this. Losing babies (miscarrying triplets in 2015 and then three subsequent miscarriages over the years) made me feel like I had failed and I set up the business to channel the pain I felt into something positive. Unfortunately I took that feeling of failure with me through this business journey. However, after many other phases of letting go this is the final phase of moving on. Now I can create the space to do something I LOVE doing.
So here is to new chapters, to learning and loving and to being in the moment... Now if summer could come back to the Highlands that would just be the icing on the cake.
PEACE & LOVE x